15 Wonderful Quotes by Groucho Marx

  1. I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
  2. She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
  3. Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
  4. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
  5. Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
  6. I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
  7. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
  8. Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.
  9. I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.
  10. I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
  11. I intend to live forever, or die trying.
  12. There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.
  13. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
  14. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
  15. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.